Keep roaring , my little warrior..
I hope you are doing well today. I’m writing to tell you, my precious reader, about what has been happening in this wild life.
This spring has come upon us like a mutated, prehistoric lion on steroids, to put it mildly. Each new day has been packed with comedy, tragedy, horror, drama, and filled with the greatest love between a mother, a father, and a sweet child. As a family, we have been through some unspeakable events. To say we are shocked would be an understatement.
Yet I have watched my little Phoenix rise up from the ashes, shake off the dust, and stretch out her wings. She’s not ready for takeoff just yet, but my little spitfire has an unshakable faith that can only come from her Heavenly Host. Her courage can only be compared to David with his sling, her desire to rise above this would make Icarus fall back; for this little Phoenix is going to soar, past the sun, circling around the stars, slaying all of the evil beasts with her diamond tipped talons. Her small battle-cry will soon transform into the call for all of the little sweet firebirds to join her in taking back what’s rightfully theirs.
How can someone so plain and timid as this mother, claim any part for this young woman, born full of courage and ambition? I can’t. I can admire her as she prepares for her flight. The blood that pumps in her heart is something that this world has never seen before. This young lady is the real deal.
I just really miss my mom. I don’t care if I’m 40, I need my mother and I’m asking God to give me a sweet dream of her tonight. I miss the feeling of her skin on her hands. I miss hearing her breathe. I miss her ugly pajamas. I miss her hugs. I miss her cooking. I miss her sweet spirit. My heart hurts because I know there’s nobody left on earth that will love me as much as she did.
The last 24 hours of time have been fairly normal for my world.. but something is different; I can’t put my finger on it, but I’m left with a sinking feeling that it’s going to continue at this breakneck speed until it runs out. Is this melancholy? Reflection? Is this how time works when you get older? Maybe it’s because I’m eye to eye with the big 4 0 ? Will time ever slow down? Am I losing my grip? I feel like I’m going through life but I’m not finding any time to live it.
The bills that I’m always so close to paying off never seem to reach that final payment stage. Cars are breaking down, Kids are needing braces , or overdue school fees. Pets are needing checkups. Parents are dying. Neighbors are dying. Someone’s called out sick at work today. Kidney stones! Student loans! “Please can we keep them we promise to clean up behind them! They won’t get big and I promise to walk them and train them to potty outside!” Principal office visits. College tours. The daily double or the daily migraine. The addict, the alcoholic, the depressed teens, that one neighbor who complains non stop. The power disconnect notice. The repo truck waiting at work for you to park the car. Saving receipts from McDonald’s and eating free fries for months because that’s all you can do. The windfall of tax return money. The paying off the payday loans that takes every penny of it. Having one month to get money saved back so you’ll ‘never borrow money again’ , only to borrow again when you realize that you don’t make enough to support your self, much less the family who depends on your support. The verbal abuse. The gaslighting. Knowing that silence is mandatory and no emotions or excuses are allowed once you enter the humble abode. When your paycheck is gone before it’s cashed and your credit score is close to your age number . When help is no where to be found because you used it up trying to dig yourself out of this mess years ago. If I just don’t move or speak and remember to only make eye contact when it’s appropriate and to watch for clues in his body language to know whether today is a good quiet day or … not . I just need everything to pause; just for one day and one night! Is this normal???
Time is slipping away from me indeed.
Wandering around my brain and putting things down that pop up..
How to make a me: Insert heaping amounts of adhd and anxiety with a side of depression. Mix in a dash of intrusive thoughts about food and eating, along with the distinctive odor of coffee and cigarettes; Deep fry that hot mess until you have a good scald on the outside, leaving it raw on the inside. Pull out of the fryer long enough to sprinkle with the Meyers Briggs INFJ plus some serious uncontrollable empathy; you have a me!
I feel like blogging about my brain clouds might be therapeutic for me; but I feel a lot like this could also be narcissistic indulging . I’ve been told that I give way too much of myself away and should set some boundaries. I’ve also been told that I’m a self-centered, micromanaging ****, but good grief would you look at how many times I’ve referred to myself in just this short statement! It’s disgusting; but kind of gratifying.
Some things I know for sure about myself is that I know how to love and how to be kind. But right now I feel like there’s a hot spoon scooping away at my shell and exposing all of my sensitive feelings. I don’t like this. It makes me so tired